I am a part of a broken system, my ignorance keeps me here.

As much as my heart is broken, this feeling is not new. This is not the first death of a person of color at the hands of a white person wielding their power and privilege. This is not new. That is what is so disgusting to me as I reflect on the death of George Floyd. We have seen this time, and time and time and time again. White people in their privilege are disgusted, for a moment and then we move on, because we can. People of color cannot move on, nor should they. The injustice of these murders should boil our blood, and the reality that I can go about my day to day life without feeling the anger, the fear, the heartache that my brothers and sisters of color feel is my privilege.

Posting on social media, won’t fix anything. Writing a blog post, doesn’t tear down the system of oppression that devalues the lives of a human because of the color of their skin. I stand with my brothers and sisters of color. I am listening to my brothers and sisters of color. The standing with and the listening come first. Now, after I have listened, read, researched, and prayed will I start to speak.

I am sorry. I am part of the problem. I have knowingly and unknowingly wielded my privilege. I have not spoken up when I have seen blatant racism. I have implicit racist bias. I was born in a part of the country where I was not exposed to diversity, and the evil that is the “fear of other” lives in me. Even the awareness does not allow me to love perfectly. I am sorry. I will continue to identify and drive out that evil from my being.

I will not let that keep me from speaking up. I will not stop having conversations with my family about how we can destroy the fear of other that lives inside us. I will not shy away from having an open dialogue with my daughter about equality, justice and mercy. My hope is that she grows up with more love than I started with. I will not be afraid to confront racist comments and other forms of racism when I see them for fear of offending. I will not stop writing, I will not stop making art, I will not stop speaking out on behalf of my brothers and sisters of color. Most importantly I will not stop learning, listening and adapting as my brothers and sisters of color share their story, their hurt and their struggle. I pray even as I write and process these feelings that I don’t make this about me.

This is about justice. And our system in this country does not understand true justice. Justice is not about giving someone what they deserve, but making things right. Equality is right. Mercy is right. Valuing humanity is right. Love is right. So if our “justice” looks like anything other than these things, it is no justice, but a perversion of it.

If you are like me and wrestling with where your place is in the fight for justice, you’re not alone. My plea is that you take a step. Whatever that is. I recommend starting with standing and listening, but I could be wrong. What I know is that if you are for true justice we are on the same side. The silence of the privileged has never been okay, but it seems that we as white Americans are just starting to learn that. To my brothers and sisters of color. I am sorry. Here is my daily prayer, I challenge you to pray it with me.

Jesus, eradicate our countries’ perversion of justice and replace it with true justice. Forgive me for my racism, hate and fear. “Perfect love casts out fear.” I ask that you fill me with your perfect love so that the evil inside me has no place to live. Dwell in your people in such a way that your love overwhelms the darkness and drives it away.