I am learning that I have much to learn, and it starts with listening.
Who would have thought that the path to learning starts with being still and listening? As I try to put my thoughts onto paper it almost feels like a foreign concept. To be completely fair I spend an embarrassingly small percentage of my life listening. The more I listen however the more I am finding so much of the heavy emotions that I feel dissipates in the quiet space that listening creates.
One of the things that I have been learning in my marriage is how to validate the feelings of someone else even when I disagree. When my wife and I come to a place of not seeing eye to eye we both bring our expectations, past experiences, opinions as well as facts to the table. We then try and wade through what the best course of action is considering all the baggage that was just dumped in front of us. I often find myself jumping forward 5 steps and expecting her to clear all the baggage of the table and make a decision without processing with her. This is extremely unloving and leaves her feeling unheard, hurt and unloved.
How do we process the things that each of us bring to the table, especially around an explosive topic like the protests that a large group of our country are participating in. Regardless of what side of the protest line you stand on, I think we can all agree that it is our country given right to protest according to the first amendment. Where I believe the difference lies is in the reason people protest, and perhaps the method, though I would argue the last two major reason to protest were carried out in far more similar ways than people may realize.
Lets talk riots for a moment. Martin Luther King Jr said that “riot is the language of the unheard”. Let us hear these words and let them sink in. What if we as a country spent more time listening to the people who are rioting, and less time condemning them? What if there was no longer a group of people who felt so unheard and uncared for by society because we step into a place of listening. We spend so much time speaking and condemning and being angry at the things that we don’t understand. What if we took that energy and chose to listen. To hear the voices of Black brothers and sisters, asking them questions about their experience with law enforcement, their experience in their neighborhoods, their schools.
If we took the time to listen to Black stories, maybe we would begin to see things from a Black perspective. I think this is what scares people. I wonder if the fear of having what we feel as comfortable and normal turned upside down and stepping into a perspective of fear and chaos is more than we can bear. If I am right, and this is the true reason behind the pushback of the Black Lives Matter protests, as followers of Jesus we have another way.
John in his letter to the church in Asia tells us that “perfect love casts out fear”. What does this actually mean? When we choose to step into the relationships of our lives and love. Have empathy and compassion, listen and hear another’s perspective we become more courageous. We are then able to look at the fear and chaos of someone’s life and step into it, without trying to fix it or make it better immediately. Going back to my marriage when I try to fix everything, rather than sit, listen and learn I miss what my wife truly wants in those moments where she is afraid. She wants me to be with her. She wants to know she’s not alone. I challenge you reader to look at your own experiences and see for yourself that this is true.
If you find that it is true, that my experience that I have laid out between my wife and I happens with you as well. I challenge you then to see our Black brothers and sisters crying out for justice, and LISTEN. Hear their stories, their experiences, their fears. Feel the chaos that they are experiencing, stop condemning their response of blatant injustice as rash or unruly because you don’t have the same anger, rage or fear that they do. We can do better, if we want true peace and true justice we must do better. The first step always starts with me.
I must look inward, see my comfort, my experiences and my expectations as only one side to the story. And if I desire unity and a world where racism is irradiated, I must understand their is another side to the story. Just like with discussions with my wife where we bring our “baggage” to the table, dump it, process and move forward we must do that as a country. We must bring our political viewpoints, our passions and desires and empty ourselves of them, then sit and listen. If you are like me and are white, we have gone first enough. It’s time to let our Black brothers and sisters speak freely, without interruption and HEAR them. Only then can we move towards restoration.
If this irks you, makes you uncomfortable, or you just disagree. You are not alone. I have sat in your seat, felt what you’ve felt. Shame is never a solution that brings restoration. I urge you however to consider the reality that someone may have an experience different than yourself. Listen to this story as a benediction.
A family is sitting around the table at home, waiting to serve food. Mom, dad and a little boy and little girl. They are about to dish the food out and the little boy races for the hotdogs, his dad calmly says “son the girls go first in our house”. The little boy looks at his dad, angry, he’s hungry. “The girls always go first in our house dad!” he exclaims in frustration as he crosses his arms and pouts. Dad looks lovingly at his son and responds “for some people in our world the girl doesn’t get to go at all, so in our family the girls always go first”.
Will we be a people who listen, who love, who see the experience and feelings of another as valid even when we disagree. These are the things that will bring restoration, justice and peace. Let us process through our anger, our rage, our hatred of the other and choose to listen. I believe that this goes for both sides of the coin, but like the story above, one group of people aren’t given the option to speak at all, so let’s let them go first.