Confusion, Grief and Excitement... All in one week.

This week has been full of heavy emotions. Seeing our countries inherent racism, wrestling through social isolation due to a global pandemic, and preparing for a new life to enter into the world. It is hard to know where to begin.

I have fallen in love with the habit of running. 7 or 8 months ago I participated in my first ultra marathon. Yes I am one of those crazy humans who runs 50 miles without stopping for fun. I would be lying if I didn’t tell you it was a sort of spiritual experience for me. Being alone, no technology (not even a watch) and in the middle of the woods in Tahoe, CA pushing my body to limits that I wasn’t sure were even possible. Throughout the almost 15 hours of running I would have moments of fear, peace, contemplation, empowerment, fatigue and accomplishment. Afraid of the reality of being eaten by a mountain lion or my body giving out on me and no one knowing where I was. Peace in the deep realization that adventure, like running this double marathon, is what makes life worth living. Contemplating the areas of my life that were draining me rather than giving me energy. Looking at what my body was doing and praising God for the ability to run, almost always followed by the reality of how exhausted my body was. When I crossed that finish line after 14 hours and 37 minutes of non stop running through the mountains of Lake Tahoe what I felt I don’t know if I could put into words, so I won’t try.

Last month Ahmuad Arbery was shot while running. The story breaks my heart for so many reasons. It is a tragedy because death is always tragic, but even more so because of the hate the fueled this murder runs rampant through the country I call home. I know that I am privileged, and I have spent this week reflecting on how this privilege shows itself in every facet of my life. I don’t want to be the person who just writes a blog post, or posts something on social media. I want to be a person who lives in deep love and connection with others. Who learns how to have sympathy where I am able and empathy where I lack experience. I want to be a human that hates racism, that stands up for what is good not just when it is convenient for me. I am confused how to respond, I feel like a liar if I say nothing. I feel judged if I speak up. I am the first to admit I don’t have an answer to the problem. Does anyone though? Isn’t that the way life works? We as humans learning to connect and care for people where they are at? Yes it is messy most of the time. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. So if you are like me at all, confused and scared and angry with seemingly no where to express your emotions. You are not alone. And yes, I recognize that these feelings and realities come out of my privilege. In my moment of vulnerability I ask you to hear my heart, and not judge my words.

In the midst of a global pandemic and deep rooted social injustice of our country rearing its head my wife is 38 weeks pregnant. Which has been an incredible gift. We weren’t sure we could get pregnant. This life that she has been nurturing for the past 9 months has been a primary source of fear, worry, joy and excitement. I cannot wait to be a father, to be given the responsibility of teaching a new life about the world she lives in. What it means to love, to care, to grieve and to live full. I sit here today reflecting on the world that my daughter will be born into, the family culture my wife and I are cultivating, the type of life she will have. I reflect on Covid, racism and wrestle hard with how to communicate these tragic realities of our world while squashing the joy of life she will undoubtedly see. To be the father who models a life of loving equally, regardless of race, religion gender or who someone chooses to love. To be a family that refuses to tolerate hatred and models a life willing to sacrifice for one another. As I dream about this new season of life for our family I cannot help but be excited because I believe in my wife and I’s ability to do just that.

Heavy week, but that is the way of life sometimes. As I reflect in this moment I am reminded that often our heaviest emotions bring about the most fulfilling life change. I hope that this season of life is no different.